The love doctor is in da house
by Taipan Kiryu
Summary: TFP. Driving randomly on a desert road with two undecided humans in his trunk make Knock Out go cupid. A little detour from the episode 'Plus One'.


_Every now and then, I like to write hybrids, two or many-headed monsters that are not related to the things that I usually write._

_This is one of those hydras, one that popped out at some point during this night. I'm no loving fan of TF Prime anymore, but I had some free time earlier today and also there was this little demon inside of me, poking me with a trident and saying: Write it, write it._

_So I wrote this in a hurry because I wanted to post it today. I'm aware that this would have turned up better if I'd taken the time to sit down and write down calmly, but it was also interesting to work against the clock._

_I still hope you'll enjoy it. If you have read my previous work, I insist that you will notice that it's not the stuff that I usually write, but what the hell. Experience teaches that if a little demon tells you to do something, you must do it, especially if it involves writing._

_I want to deeply, deeply thank iratepirate for revising this whilst we were chatting. If you notice any grammar mistakes, I am the one to blame. I insisted – actually threatened her with revealing her darkest secrets – that I didn't want a beta reading, but only a very quick grammar revision._

* * *

**The love doctor is in da house**

**Written by Taipan Kiryu**

"_Some cupid kills with arrows, some with traps."_

_-William Shakespeare._

* * *

It had been minutes ago since the terrestrial radio had stopped providing anything resembling entertaining. Was that, really, what humans called music?

"All right, what about this?" Knock Out kept up his monologue as he tried for the umpteenth time to find a functional frequency to the Nemesis. "Lillies. It doesn't compare to my favorite wax, but it beats the sterile smell of the base any day."

No answer came, of course, which was good for him because he doubted Lord Megatron would be interested in adding terrestrial perfumes to the collection of odors of the Decepticons' warship. "No? I have to agree with you on this one, Big M. Flowers are not the answer to anyone's problems. Now, may I introduce to you this very interesting mixture of fragrant components called Eros…"

He stopped talking, the buzzing in his audio receptors becoming more unbearable by the minute. It was really a shame that humans were so fragile when it came to dismembering them – as Silas had so beautifully exemplified – otherwise he would have shredded the two Autobot pets as soon as he took the Predacon fossil out of their little organic servos. They were _so _lucky that he wanted them alive in order to add two more trinkets to his already successful mission. Lord Megatron would be so pleased with his services that maybe he would name him Second in Command instead of the pathetic Screamer.

"Would you two stop mumbling, back there?" he said, annoyed. "I don't know if you germs noticed, but I really love the sound of my own voice!"

More babbling followed, although in a lower volume. Were the humans so stupid to believe that his audio receptors couldn't hear their muffed voices?

"Keep the cheesy argument for your love nest. Oh, silly me, I just forgot that you will _never _see your love nest again!"

"We have no love nest," the female said, her interesting blue eyes partially deformed by a frown.

"Well, make sure not to turn my trunk into one. Remember what I told you about the sole idea of humans interfacing? Brrr."

"You may want to calm down your psychopath self, Decepticon, because there will be no… interfacing in your trunk today," the male grumped, although his annoyance seemed to be directed at his human companion.

Knock Out chuckled softly. "Are you sure about that? Because that's not exactly what the pheromones currently being released by your flesh bodies say. Talking about odors…"

The female's heart rate accelerated, Knock Out could feel it against his soft interiors.

"Okay, pheromones are more active on the he-human. Have you been evasive with him lately, little lady? Tss tss, that's not the way to treat your boyfriend."

Somehow the female found the camera he had in his trunk, because that's where she directed her blue gaze. "He is _not _my boyfriend."

"My bad. I meant to say your married-mate."

Now it was the male who shot him an angry look. "The word would be husband, you maniac, and I can tell you for sure that I'm no husband of nurse Darby here."

"Then perhaps you should stop behaving like one," Knock Out said, sneering.

"Is this your idea of fun, Decepticon?" the nurse Darby-human said.

Knock Out chuckled. "Actually, it is. And it should be fun for you too, because as soon as we reach the Nemesis I can assure you that there won't be any fun left for you two, unless you consider fun being chopped up on my dissection table. If that's the case, then we three will have tons of _fun_ together."

That made the female's stress increase, which pleased Knock Out. He also felt the male's anger as crystal clear as he had detected his pheromones. However, Knock Out's cheerful mood changed when he noticed the humans getting closer. Perhaps they were driven by fear, but whatever was the case, Knock Out didn't like that mixture of pheromones in his trunk.

"Whoa! What did I tell you about mixing your fleshie little circuits back there? No interfacing in my trunk!"

The female, awkwardly leaning on the male's chest, frowned at the camera above her face. "Is your sick mind focused only on one thing, Decepticon? That… thing you mentioned is not going to happen!"

"Well, that's not what your tangled limbs tell me."

The female seemed to realize her compromising position, because she disengaged from the male's embrace at once.

"Another lover's fight?" Knock Out laughed. "Go on, we can keep this up all night."

"We are _not _lovers!" the male said with a frown, crossing his arms above his chest despite the reduced dimensions of Knock Out's trunk - the same dimensions that avoided them from getting seriously injured when Knock Out braked suddenly and the two fleshies were propelled against the back of his trunk.

"Okay, I'm done with this!" the Decepticon spat as he skidded toward the side of the road. He transformed to his bipedal mode and caught the two humans that were ejected.

"What… what are you doing?" the he-human said once he caught his breath.

"What's the meaning of this?" the female imitated her boyfriend in asking stupid questions.

Knock Out placed them both on the top of two big boulders close to the road. "This is me getting tired of your rambling. I've been driving randomly for two hours and I refuse to keep wasting fuel as I listen to you two earth germs denying the obvious."

"The obvious…?" the female said, her eyes widening considerably.

She cringed when Knock Out leaned toward her and gave her his most sinister look. "Do you take me for a fool, she-human? You and your boyfriend playing games with me… not a good idea, especially considering where – or better say, how – you'll end up tonight."

"I'm not her boyfr—" the male was cut short when Knock Out's sharp talon stopped less than a cyber-inch from his neck.

"Are we done playing that card, human? Good." Knock Out stepped back.

"What's… the meaning of this?" the female dared to ask, more respectfully this time.

"Resuming: I have been unsuccessfully trying to communicate with my base for more than two hours. My take is that there has been a major failure in our communications system, which leaves me stranded on this dirt ball with you two as my only company. Considering that we are likely to be acquainted longer than I had in mind, I suggest we spend our breems together doing more interesting activities."

"Like what?" the male said, frowning.

"Like you two coming clean about what you feel about each other. It's pretty obvious, even without your pheromones speaking, that there is some sort of disgusting, animalistic attraction between you."

The Darby-female hid her face within her hands, whilst the male clenched his fists. "Is this what you do in your free time, Decepticon? Play matchmaker?" he asked.

"No. I dismember living beings in my free time", Knock Out smirked, showing his circular saw and making it rotate. "Perhaps you'd like me to resort to my favorite hobby instead. As I said, we have the spare time and I happen to have the tools."

The humans' silence, as well as their horrified faces, spoke by themselves.

"Good. Shall we proceed, then?" Knock Out displayed his hand again and walked toward the female. "Okay, let's start from the beginning. How long have you two been – eww – lovers?"

"If your sick mind were not driven by insanity, perhaps I could answer your question with the truth," she said. "How many times do we have to tell you…"

Knout Out placed a finger on his mouth, shushing her. "You may want to remember what I said about playing a certain card. And you may want to remember too that lying to a Decepticon is the best way to have your optic balls removed."

He had thought that his threat had been enough to make a point, but the female frowning and getting up from the boulder showed him his mistake. "There's no other card to play, you maniacal Decepticon! What are we, your toys?" she cried at his face.

Knock Out straightened his pose and put his hands on his waist. "Actually yes, that's exactly what you are. Whether you remain like that or you become my laboratory specimens, that's totally up to you."

"You're insane…" Knock Out could tell that she was full of impotence, another thing that pleased him. "What do you gain from all this?"

The doctor sighed, putting one hand on his chest. "Call me sentimental, but I have a thing for romance… especially for romantic couples which are suddenly torn apart by tragedy." His voice hadn't sounded as theatrical as he had intended. Not nice.

"I'd say you have a thing for mockery instead," the male growled. "You said it yourself: we will end up on your dissection table by the end of the night. What would be the point of submitting to your games now?"

"Because you would satisfy my curiosity and also give some relief for my boredom." It didn't seem enough, so Knock Out sighed. "All right, let's say that there's a possibility that you won't finish this night dismembered. You may even – not very likely – stay alive. Prove me right and I'll let you go."

"Okay, I'm her boyfriend. Satisfied now?"

Knock Out punched the boulder close to the human, making him jump. "I strongly recommend you to not forget who the toy is and who the toy keeper. Take me for granted one more time and I'll shred your insides from your disgusting organic body!" His talons shined beautifully under the moonlight, as sharp as they were deadly.

"Leave him alone!"

Knock Out turned to his right, where the female's beautiful eyes were sparkling. "My apologies, she-human, but your lover here is testing my temper."

"I'm no she-human," she said severely. "My name is June, and for the last time I tell you that he is no lover of mine."

* * *

She wanted to see Jack again, that's all she had in her mind when he tacitly agreed to play the Decepticon's game. However, Jack hadn't been exactly in her thoughts when she had spoken. She just knew that she couldn't bear the idea of seeing agent Fowler being killed by that insane Decepticon.

Knock Out… she had heard about that one, a true Doctor Death. Now she could tell that his moods changed as drastically as his facial expressions. Fortunately, when he turned to June he was smirking – or unfortunately?

"Well, well, aren't we worried for the boyfriend? My apologies, little lady, it wasn't my intention to sever your significant other… yet."

June closed her eyes and tried to gather courage. When she opened them again, he was so close to her that she could smell the wax on his chassis and… was that Eros from Versace?

"You may ramble as much as you want, but there's nothing between agent Fowler and me. I don't understand what you get from saying otherwise."

The Decepticon smiled at her. "I don't get anything but the confirmation of my magnificent character judgment skills. You, on the other hand, may get something valuable before you die. It's your choice."

June eyed him quizzically. "I thought you said you'd let us go."

"Maybe, maybe not. You may walk out of this tonight, _or _you may end in so many pieces that your proto-hatcher wouldn't recognize you. Whatever the case, this may be your last chance to come clean about your feelings. So what is it going to be?"

June looked at agent Fowler, searching for some sort of escape plan than anything else. He was a very resourceful man, but this time he looked mostly worried.

She didn't have time to give him more than a fast look, though, as the Decepticon grabbed her as if she were a doll and lifted her to his face.

"Fine, suit yourself, human," Knock Out said to agent Fowler. "Maybe I was wrong about you two after all… Then you won't mind seeing your non-girlfriend's cranial unit splattered over the ground."

Next thing June knew, she was flying, and not only flying but being propelled up with devastating force. Dizzy and terrified, she would have emptied her stomach if she hadn't seen the ground coming towards her at light speed.

"JUNE!" she heard somewhere out of the whirlwind.

The ground turned grey in the blink of an eye, and her landing wasn't as rough as she had expected it to be. Actually, it wasn't rough at all. When she opened her eyes she didn't see the desert landscape; she saw herself, mirrored in an evil red eye. Agent Fowler was on the ground, on his chest and looking frantically upwards.

Then the Decepticon laughed. He laughed so much that he had to lean his hands on his knees, releasing June in the process.

She landed not so agilely close to agent Fowler. He got on his knees and reached out to her. She accepted his hand.

"Ookay, now that we're done with the 'we don't care for each other' part, shall we proceed?"

If gazes could kill, agent Fowler would have blazed that Decepticon right on the spot. "What the hell was that? You could have killed her!"

"Kill her? There must be something really wrong with your optical sensors, human, because I happened to do precisely the opposite. Not that my intervention to save your lady was required, as I happen to recall you jumping forward to try to catch her. The first reaction, you see, always proves to be the right one. You may have failed in your intent, but you tried to prevent her fall instinctively. You have feelings for this human."

Agent Fowler lowered his gaze, visibly embarrassed. The sight was uncomfortable for June, but not as much as it was when the Decepticon turned to her.

"What about you, little lady? Do you share his feelings, or do you want me to tear him into pieces to see if you care?"

June had no doubts that he would do what he was saying, so returning to evasive denial wouldn't be the answer. "I, we… He's a good friend."

"_Friend?" _the Decepticon said, disgust clearly marking his voice. "I could tell you things about _friends, _but your feeble minds wouldn't understand them." He turned his back to them, but June could clearly see that his mocking smirk had disappeared.

Agent Fowler took the opportunity to get closer to her ear. "Play along, nurse Darby. If we distract him, maybe we—"

He interrupted himself when the Decepticon turned to them again. His cocky smile had returned.

"So… friends, uh? How long do you plan to remain in such status when it's clearly obvious that both of you are looking for an upgrade?"

He talked very weirdly about interpersonal relationships. June would have liked to know more about the way Transformers handled those things, but she had always thought that it would be rude of her to question the Autobots about their private matters, not that she had ever seen them acting 'intimately'. She had heard Miko saying things about Bulkhead and Arcee, and also about Bumblebee and Smokescreen, but June had never given gossip any second thought.

"Like tonight, for example," the Decepticon went on. "Don't get me wrong, I love it that the Autobots sent their pets to do their job because, as you could experience firsthand, it makes my own job a lot easier. But I can't help wondering what you two were doing at the museum… _alone. _Was that your idea of a date? A first date, perhaps?"

_Play along, play along… _maybe that would save them. "Agent…" June cleared her voice. "Bill asked me to join him, and I was happy to accept."

"_Oh, I was happy to accept_," the Decepticon mocked her. "Let me tell you something, germ_, _the chemical reactions awakened in your organic body whilst you were close to this human in my trunk were far more than just _happy_."

June felt her face blushing. She was so embarrassed that she didn't flinch when the Decepticon leaned towards her, his face so close that she could smell him again. One thing was for sure, though, none of the Autobots smelled that good.

"Tell me something, _June," _he purred, narrowing his evil optics at her. "Were you _happy _as this human pressed his body against yours? Are you _happy _now, knowing that back there he wanted nothing but to interface with you?"

All the blood in her body arrived to her head and made it boil, the sudden feeling masking whatever pain she could have had when she impacted that white, lustrous face with the palm of her hand.

"Now listen to me, Decepticon, you don't talk to me like that! You may be big, and strong, and evil, but I'm far more mature than you and you'll show some respect!"

The Decepticon stepped back, astonished. June could also see from the corner of her eye that agent Fowler's open mouth was about to hit the ground.

But that's as far as her bravado went. They were going to get killed by an insane Decepticon and everything because she couldn't have taken his obscene, and absurd, insinuations in silence, not to mention without slapping him.

"I…" the Decepticon said, his black eyebrows still reflecting his surprise. "I actually felt that." He rubbed his cheek a little before turning to agent Fowler. "She has some struts. Now I see why you want her."

'Play along', agent Fowler had said, but he couldn't help blushing as much as June was sure she had blushed herself.

"I don't…"

"The question is: can you cover her high standards, he-male? Frankly, picking up a Predacon fossil was a terrible idea for a first date."

Agent Fowler got up and stood before June and the Decepticon. "What would a psychopath like you know about that, when I'm sure your idea of a first date is dismembering your companion?"

The Decepticon laughed. "I usually don't dismember until the second date, call me old fashioned… Which make you two a couple of very lucky human germs. Now come on, show me your techniques."

"Techniques?"

The Decepticon seemed to roll his eyes. "Aren't you humans supposed to have a brain? Yes, flesh creature, your techniques! How in the Inferno do you plan to acquire the female's favors then? By osmosis?"

Agent Fowler seemed eager to tell that Decepticon a thing or two about osmosis, but he also seemed to remember his own 'play along' plan. "I asked nurse Darby if she would like to come with me to pick up the Predacon bone… She said yes."

The Decepticon growled and threatened them with his fists. "Are you sure you two have not been married for eons? You even say the same things as her!" He stepped back as he grabbed his head.

"What would you know about that?"Agent Fowler asked him, not paying attention to the warning look that June gave him. "I don't see you dating anybody other than that circular saw of yours."

The Decepticon opened his mouth in surprise, putting a hand to his chest in a dramatic gesture. "Moi? Are you questioning, by any chance, my supreme – and perfectly successful – flirting abilities?"

Without waiting for an answer, the Decepticon approached and pushed agent Fowler away. "Watch and learn, human worm. I'm not called the most perfect Transformer ever built only because of my extremely handsome looks."

When he kneeled before her, June really wished that the ground would open and swallow her.

"Don't get the wrong idea, female. I'm not even slightly attracted to you. Actually, I find you quite disgusting, but I feel the need to show your pitiful little boyfriend here how to conquer a lady."

June would have preferred it if he displayed his saw again. "What… what are you going to do?"

When his smirk turned into a seductive smile, she knew he was being serious about the whole charade.

"The thing about females," he said to agent Fowler, "unlike Seekers, Triple Changers and even Vehicons, is that they like flowers." He had moved faster than her eye could see, but suddenly there was a bouquet of flowers in the Decepticon's hand.

"Are those… blue-mist shrubs?" June said, astonished. Why in the world would a Decepticon have flowers? When she and agent Fowler had been stuck in the trunk, June had heard the robot saying something about experimenting with odors, but that was too much.

"Lillies, actually," he cared to explain with a soothed voice. "I thought you would find them proper, as they are as blue as your eyes."

His face softened considerably when he got close to her – and yes, he definitely smelled like Eros from Versace. "And your eyes," he said, "your eyes are the most beautiful thing I have seen on this planet. Mark my words."

June blushed. She had been impressed by Otpimus Prime's demeanor when she had met him, but this Decepticon was the first Transformer she could have called handsome.

"Um, I think this is going too far… Knock Out, isn't it?" she said nervously, feeling more embarrassed than the day one of Jack's friends had confessed to have a major crush on her.

He smirked, his evilness temporarily replaced by seductiveness. "That's my name, although you can call me Jofy if you prefer."

"Jofy? What does that mean?"

"Well—"

"Enough!" Agent Fowler cried, evidently getting tired of the bizarre spectacle before him. "Are you actually flirting with her, Decepticon, because I feel compelled to remind you that I'm her date and that I'm right here!"

"Jealousy… Ah, what would love do without it?" Knock Out said. "So you do admit that it was a date… But easy, loverworm, as much as I totally outmatch you in every aspect that a female could consider attractive, I'm not interested in your wife to be."

June almost slid from her boulder, feeling very awkward with the whole scene. A Decepticon flirting with her and the word 'married' in her future was too much for a single mother that had lost all hope concerning a romantic life. That Decepticon… Jofy, seemed to know what he was talking about, but she was an old fashioned woman, and as much as she liked flowers, she preferred fetching Cybertronian fossils with a dear friend, and perhaps a low-light dinner after that…

She put a hand on her face. What was she thinking about? She hadn't thought about anything slightly resembling romantic when she had accepted joining agent Fowler in his quest… or had she? She would have definitely preferred being kidnapped by a regular Decepticon, not this pheromone-detector maniac, who also happened to awake doubts in her concerning that improvised date with William Fowler…

"Your hair."

She looked through two of the fingers on her face. The love doctor had turned his attention back to her.

"Your hair," he said again. "Let it down."

"What…?" She didn't give much credit to her ears. Had the Decepticon just told her to… let down her hair?

"The fiber over your head, it would look better like this." His incredibly sharp finger cut the ribbon around her ponytail. When her black hair fell over her shoulders, she felt like a teenager again. Such a foolish feeling, but there was no way to tell what the mixture of moonlight, an insane Decepticon and a man who had showed interested in her could do.

"Better – although far away from being perfect." Knock Out returned his attention to agent Fowler. "Now, _you. _You are a mess! Your epidermal coloring is not bad, but you could do better regarding your armor." He pointed at agent Fowler's suit before getting up and straightening his pose. "Red. That should be your color. Ladies – not to mention Seekers _and _former Wreckers, love red. Take it from an expert."

June was sure that agent Fowler was thinking that the Decepticon was on heavy drugs, but he had a point. Red was a beautiful color.

"Besides, it wouldn't kill you to lose _a lot _of weight. Women love slim waists and wide shoulders. You see?"

"Ahem, Knock Out?" June said rather timidly, not feeling very comfortable about calling him Jofy.

"Yes? Do you want us to continue our little love rehearsal here?" He turned to her in the middle of showing off his arms and his indeed well shaped figure. "Where was I? Oh yeah, your eyes—"

"No, no…" she hurried to shake her hands. "You got a point and you proved it, I think. If you wanted us to admit that we're dating, alright, I admit it. You captured us during our first date. If we are to have a second date… well, that depends on you."

June had used her softest voice. She wondered if it would work with somebody that obviously had no problems with his ego.

"Ah, the sixty four million dollar question… Will you end up on my dissection table or not? The timer's clicking. Wouldn't that be an enthralling second date for you two?"

His words had been threatening, but his tone hadn't. June could tell that he was hesitant about killing them. That alone would be a good result for the craziest night of her life.

"Hey! You said that if we came clean you'd let us go!" agent Fowler spat, shaking his fists.

"I said maybe, human, _maybe. _And so far, I have to tell you, you both are very far away from satisfying my expectations."

"What would satisfy your expectations, then? Me and nurse Darby… what was that word you said… interf—"

"Ew no! Nono, don't even say it. It sounds obscene in your voice," the Decepticon hurried to say. "I just wanted you to prove me right, and I think you did – pathetically, but you did."

"So you put us in this humiliating position only to prove a point? I insist, is this the kind of thing you do on your Friday nights? You really should get a life!" June could tell that Bill – oh, would she call him that from now on then? – was really angry.

"As a matter of fact, I was thinking about getting yours!" Knock Out hissed, now it was some sort of drill that emerged from the place in which one second ago his hand had been.

June gathered all her resolve. Time had come to play her final card, the one she had started to suspect minutes ago.

"Or…" she said, trying to ignore the drill getting closer to Bill. "Or perhaps this is about something… _someone _else."

The drill stopped rotating. June witnessed one more time how quickly Knock Out could change moods. The sadness displayed on his face, however, was something that she never expected to see in the face of a Decepticon, especially this one.

She could see it clearly. He had lost someone recently, someone he deeply cared for, perhaps someone he loved. She suspected he hadn't had time to come clean with that person – most likely, another Decepticon. He certainly had a very weird way to redeem himself.

It was not the moment, ever less the situation, but her motherly side awakened and she felt really, really bad for the Decepticon.

"Knock Out…"

"We have wasted enough time here," he said with a face so serious that it looked foreign to him.

"Wait!" Bill told him. "What about us? You say you'd let us go— hey!"

They were both taken again as if they were dolls, thrown to the air and placed in the muscle car's trunk.

* * *

Their concerns returned to finding a way to escape, and they actually found one. Other things happened that night. Knock Out chased them, threatened them and mocked them again. He also captured them back, but right before he entered the portal to return to his base, he propelled them out.

The Autobots and Bill had their own version, but June preferred her own. It could be a big coincidence, of course, that the Decepticon had expelled them just in the right place for Wheeljack to grab them. He could have taken them to the Nemesis too, as – as Wheeljack had said himself – he had already outrun Arcee and was about to do the same thing with Wheeljack. Most likely it had been a distraction maneuver to secure the fossil, but June liked to believe that he had kept his promise. He had let them go.

Many things kept wandering in her mind after that night. Hopefully, she thought blushing a bit, she would have time to talk about them with Bill during their second date – yes, this time he had actually asked her using the right words. And maybe she was seeing things, but she could tell he was losing weight. That, and the red tie that went beautifully with his grey suit, made him look much better.

She couldn't tell anything about the future, thus she couldn't say if 'married couple' were two words that could be associated with them, but if they ever did, she would make sure to let Knock Out… Jofy know about it.

She felt that she owed it to him.

_The end_

_I could have extended myself in the ending, but I didn't want this fic to go sad. Yes, that 'someone' June mentioned was obviously Breakdown. Speaking about him, I'll post another one-shot next week based on the next TFP episode. Regardless of the outcome of that episode –which I suspect it will be disappointing - I got an idea for a short-story happening in that episode that keeps rounding my head._

_If you're wondering about the 'Jofy' name, that's what reads in Knock Out's license plate._

_Well, this is it. I still don't know why I wrote this fic, but dammit, I enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it too. Please share your comments with me before you leave._


End file.
